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    Money and Dating

    1. Ali @ Anything You Want

      August 20th, 2015 at 9:14 am

      It is so interesting to hear about this from a guy’s perspective! From my (female) perspective, I like to get a relationship started on an equal footing, so I always offer to share expenses right from the first date. I’ll usually let a guy pay on the first date if he insists, but after that it is Dutch all the way. I think it is really important to be financially compatible with the person you are dating, and if issues aren’t dealt with early on they are likely to balloon and become much more serious later.

    2. Stefanie

      August 20th, 2015 at 6:45 pm

      I’m with you- I like starting out with equal contributions and letting things evolve from there.

    3. Martin

      August 20th, 2015 at 7:50 pm

      I love it.

    4. Sylvia @ Miss PF

      August 20th, 2015 at 10:10 am

      I love that you are writing about this. I am very traditional, so I probably wouldn’t pay for anything until the fifth date, like you mentioned. From then on, I would want to alternate who pays each time. I do, however, LOVE personal finance, so I wouldn’t mind talking about it earlier on to see if we have similar frugal views. I feel that can be understood within the first few dates, though.

    5. Stefanie

      August 20th, 2015 at 6:43 pm

      Yeah, I think it’s typically pretty easy to detect someones financial mindset early on, but things like huge debt or terrible credit can catch anyone by surprise.

    6. Martin

      August 20th, 2015 at 7:49 pm

      Believe it or not, these days you never know what’s behind the curtain. Some folks can present a successful image to the world only to be flat broke behind the scenes.

    7. Hannah

      August 20th, 2015 at 10:38 am

      I think it’s just fine to be a little splurgy early in the relationship, but within a few dates, even if you aren’t officially bf/gf the friend thing should take precedence. A longer term commitment and especially marriage requires a life that you are willing to share, which eventually includes some type of shared finances.

    8. Stefanie

      August 20th, 2015 at 6:46 pm

      Splurges early on in the relationship make me uncomfortable, I’m weird, haha.

    9. Martin

      August 20th, 2015 at 7:46 pm

      That’s for sure. As time goes on, you share more and it’s important that both parties are willing to share.

    10. Jesse Gernigin

      August 20th, 2015 at 11:18 am

      I think financial relationship stems from the type of women you date (this is just as true for a woman dating a man but as I am a man I’ll talk from my perspective dating women). As an entrepreneur I date more outgoing and successful woman so there is never a worry about money. I pay, they pay, on and on. It is when I date people hustling the 9-5 that I run into problems whether it is crippling debt or belief in outdated social dating norms.
      Paying all the time sucks, even if you have money and people who try to pay their way with intimate resources are even worse as it flips the whole nature of a relationship.
      Being upfront about money is hard when you are transitioning from dating to a relationship. There is nothing worse than having the ‘Let’s not blow our money on HBO, eating out and outfits. Then we can take trips everywhere’ (once again same thing from women to men’s perspective. My sister is marrying a guy who spends $187 a month to be able to watch all the espn/sports channels and he loves to buy hunting gear even though his current gear is fine).
      It is hard. But it has to be dealt with. I’d rather lose a relationship because we disagree on money than be six years into a financially disastrous relationship where I am merely working to pay off credit cards.

    11. Stefanie

      August 20th, 2015 at 6:33 pm

      I like to split, even on the first date and I think it’s a pretty clear tell of the kind of person I am. Disparate spending values are definitely a challenge to negotiate.

    12. Martin

      August 20th, 2015 at 7:47 pm

      Amen. The money talk is uncomfortable but it HAS to happen.

    13. Aleta Fullenwider

      August 20th, 2015 at 4:54 pm

      Back in my younger days, I believed that money was power so I didn’t like for guys to pay for dinner, drinks, etc. I still feel that if you allow people to pay for you, you are giving them some amount of control over you so I am uncomfortable allowing people to pay.

    14. Stefanie

      August 20th, 2015 at 6:31 pm

      I’m the same way 🙂

    15. Martin

      August 20th, 2015 at 7:47 pm

      Interesting to hear this take.

    16. Petrish @ Debt Free Martini

      August 21st, 2015 at 12:57 am

      Once I have decided that me and a guy are an item (which is rare), I have no problem treating him to lunch or dinner. If he pays for dinner I always take care of the tip. One thing that I have learned is if the person your trying to start a relationship is horrible with their money, and not willing to change….walk away…..far away……RUN!

    17. Mr. Utopia @ Personal Finance Utopia

      August 21st, 2015 at 10:26 am

      Sounds like the girl your friend Dylan was courting was after a sugar daddy. In my opinion, those types of relationships never work out over the long run. Beliefs and philosophies about money have to be ballpark compatible for a relationship to turn more serious. Well, they don’t have to be, but, if they aren’t, both people are likely setting themselves up for a world of hurt down the line.

    18. Martin

      August 22nd, 2015 at 1:34 pm

      That’s what it sounds like. He was smart enough to catch this right away. It also hurt that she wasn’t really working at the moment.

    19. Jo

      August 22nd, 2015 at 4:07 pm

      3 dates in my offer to go dutch was refused again. I made it a subject and he charmingly said ‘I’m not done courting you yet’.

      It was the first relationship I allowed my date to pay so often and I’m glad I tried it.

      This guy didn’t have power issues around money that set off any alarm bells. Rare.

    20. Martin

      August 25th, 2015 at 2:34 am

      It’s totally cool if the person is comfortable with paying the bill. It sucks when the girl doesn’t even offer to chip in.

    21. Jayson @ Monster Piggy Bank

      August 22nd, 2015 at 10:46 pm

      On first date, I don’t bring up a topic about money and pay for the expenses. I never let the girl pay for meal in dates. Based on experience, topic about money comes in later on when relationship is getting a bit serious. I remember that I and my former girlfriend had some issues because she wanted to pay for the food expenses, which I didn’t allow. It just feels wrong to let the girl pay.

    22. Natalie @ Financegirl

      August 24th, 2015 at 8:21 am

      I think the earlier you talk about money, the better. I’ve written resource guides and spoke on podcasts about this. It’s not that it has to be serious or intense, but the sooner you learn about someone’s habits and past with money, the better equipped you’ll be to know whether you want to be in a long term relationship with that person.

    23. Michelle

      August 24th, 2015 at 9:15 am

      While I am a bit old-fashioned and believe the guy should pay for the first date, it’s very important to me to be respectful and NOT take advantage of that. I am very happy to meet up for coffee or do free things and think it’s important to pay for (and plan) dates as well. I want him to know that I’m an equal partner…regardless of what is going on with me financially. I love this post and reading about the guy’s perspective!

    24. Karen

      August 24th, 2015 at 10:05 pm

      I’ve asked a few guys out on dates (my fiance) included and I was always surprised when they footed the bill. I thought that since I was the one who had asked them out, I should be the one paying for the meal. Perhaps the guys thought that regardless of who asked who, the guy should be the one to pay for the first date. With my fiance, I paid on the second date, and from then on we just alternated.

      Thankfully, not only were we compatible romantically, but financially too.

    25. sarah

      October 7th, 2015 at 7:52 pm

      Everything you just said. Every.Thing.

      I’m dating a man who just keeps making the same financial mistakes. We’ve been dating six months and early on he disclosed a few mishaps with money. He explained them in a way that gave me the impression he had learned from these and had grown wiser in the ways of money. Not so. He’s cashing out a 401k to buy a $1700 pure bred puppy. Cannot believe it.

      I paid my zero prevent car loan off as soon as I could because I hate debt. He doesn’t mind carrying debt at all. I don’t know how to break up with someone for their lack of future planning and financially stupidity. I feel like a heel.

    26. Stefanie

      October 10th, 2015 at 11:26 am

      I’m sorry Sarah – it’s really tough when financial values don’t align. Thank goodness you’re finding this out before marriage and legally tied to his finances.

    27. What not to do on the first date - HerSpace

      February 12th, 2016 at 2:11 pm

      […] and for you to have to share it. You are treating them to a lovely day out. The biggest rule with money and dating is to never let money cause awkwardness. To avoid the money bomb from going off, simply don’t […]

    28. ItsMe

      December 28th, 2016 at 3:48 pm

      When the girls talk a lot for equal rights as men then why do they try to shy away from sharing the financial burden.

    29. Stefanie

      December 29th, 2016 at 2:40 pm

      I think it depends on who you’re talking to. I’m always a fan of going halvsies and I know many other women who feel the same way. A lot of people also think that whoever asked for the date in the first place (man or woman) should pay, which I understand too.

    30. Daniel

      March 7th, 2017 at 3:44 am

      Oh.. My… Goodness.. I’ve never heard so many many women express their financial equalness before. All I have been meeting are women that insist that they be “courted”, which translates to I pay for all, Ha ha ha. I subscribe to the Dave Ramsey… “Live like no one else today so you can live like no one else tomorrow” philosophy… As a 56, looking forward to retiring, widower, meeting that financially compatible woman, Seems to get harder by the day.. Lol. This article has restored my hopes!!! Thanks

    31. Stefanie

      March 8th, 2017 at 12:24 am

      I think the ‘I pay for all’ or ‘You pay for all’ expectation is dangerous, no matter which partner is subscribing to that notion.

    32. Darl

      March 25th, 2018 at 12:26 pm

      Great article and seeing it from the mans prospective. I feel so guilty about the subject of who pays on dates. I agree that a man should pay on the first date or even the second, It is always the attitude of shut up and pay as the man but I work too. Although I make a decent income I am not rich and I do have bills just like the next person. I tend to have a problem when a date never asks to pay for a tip or at least a share the bill after a while. It just makes me feel that they are taking advantage of the situation and I would not want to be with someone like that for a long-term relationship. I am about to bring up this subject after being on a 4th date. I usually just leave the situation alone but I’m going to nicely bring it up and see where it goes from there.

    33. Stefanie

      March 28th, 2018 at 2:48 pm

      I think if a date isn’t offering to help share any costs by the 4th date, male or female, that’s a major red flag!

    34. Lappi

      April 29th, 2018 at 8:57 pm

      I like the traditional way and when man takes care of the woman. I find it extremely manly, classy, and impressive. Both sexes should respect and appreciate each other for who they are. I don’t believe that splitting every bill (including home bills later on) will necessarily lead to a successful marriage / relationship. In the end of the day, we don’t split periods, pregnancies, breast feeding, and other “female” stuff. Woman this days, do really make their life harder. They work full time, take care of the house, kids, husband while lots of man just go to work as they don’t think that all the other things that woman do are actually a very hard / exhausting work. I see it among my acquaintances. I would never date a man who would expect me to split bill (red flag), and in fact it never happened.

    35. Randy Barnes

      July 15th, 2018 at 10:21 pm

      Aftet 2 weeks of dating she asked me to buy her groceries and put gas in her car! I told her she really haf balls to ask me something like that and told het hell no! She called me cheap!!! I told her to keep surfing the web and terminated all contact.

    36. Stefanie

      September 19th, 2018 at 11:40 am

      Wow! That’s definitely not a healthy way to start talking about money in a relationship.

    37. Stephen Rowbottam

      December 2nd, 2018 at 8:57 pm

      I’m confused here? Doesn’t a woman need to have a reason to go on a date with you in the first place? It’s either money or looks, I mean you need to attract her somehow, don’t you? “Hi good seeing you again, hey BTW can you pay for half the date this time” she would tell you to take a perment hike!

    38. Stefanie

      December 5th, 2018 at 5:38 pm

      If you approached the conversation like that for sure. If you take a moment to understand how your date communicates than you should be able to fully understand the best way to approach them about splitting a date or trading off financial responsibilities surrounding paying for a date. If equality in regard to finances is something you seek in a partner, wouldn’t it be a red flag to you if someone wasn’t interested in that idea?

    39. Ruth Cosentino

      January 24th, 2019 at 1:55 pm

      I personally like to be courted. People get very complacent and it kills the romance. Maybe I am old fashioned. I contribute where I can like bringing over food, cooking nice meals when he visits and I’m sensitive to the cost of meals and order on the inexpensive side, no alcohol, no dessert and if that sounds Not Evolved, then I guess, that’s me.

    40. Stefanie

      January 25th, 2019 at 6:18 pm

      I think that sounds evolved. Everyone has their own approach when it comes to dating. Finding the person who melds with your beliefs is challenging, but you shouldn’t waver from something that is important to you.

    41. Jaiden

      April 1st, 2019 at 2:11 pm

      Perhaps age is part of it. I am in my 40s. I have no problem chipping in here/there, but I think if a man is truly into a woman, he should pick it up. There is no hard rule, but I follow the idea of a man wanting to be the provider. He doesn’t need to do it solo by any means, but if he doesn’t have provider mentality, we won’t match. I understand that isn’t for everyone, but dutch is a HUGE turn off to me.

    42. Stefanie

      April 4th, 2019 at 1:45 pm

      I hear you! I think it ultimately comes down to your preference and how you jive with the other person!

    43. Stan

      April 16th, 2019 at 12:17 pm

      I don’t think Trump will ever let a woman pay for anything – in dating or marriage, so get a grip on who you are. A man should pay for everything when he’s dating. When it’s a marriage then you will share.

    44. Mr_B

      April 17th, 2019 at 1:43 pm

      Jaiden, Why would a mid 40s women need a “Provider”?

      She can’t have kids.

      Sounds like someone can’t carry their own weight.

    45. Jenny

      May 1st, 2019 at 4:37 am

      I always offer to split the bill. As the relationship continues it makes sense to alternate efforts. That could be by cooking a meal or alternating in paying for the bill. I just need to feel that the guy isn’t taking advantage. Sometimes a guy will insist on paying on the first few dates and then drop off and expect home cooked meals from then on. The line “What’s for dinner?’ during month 2 of dating is definitely a big turn off.

    46. Mary

      June 5th, 2019 at 12:24 pm

      My partner makes me travel two days with my car across the country to pick him up where he flys too meet me for our vacation because he is too cheap to rent a car, or pay for my plane fare. Yet he books more lavish expensive vacations with other women, and does not invite me! Needless to say I ended this relationship. Ge also lies all the time when he does stuff with other women! Oh the list goes on. He only makes $15k a month, and he takes it as his god given right to treat everyone around him that makes more better than his girlfriend and would never take me on a trip with his other well off friends! He uses his money to make others feel less than.

    47. susan

      June 6th, 2019 at 6:59 pm

      even if she see any provider what if they end up breaking up her heart like me. I provide everything my boyfriend need and unfortunate for me, my thinking and his thinking was very different, which I found out my one website truthcyberlord that his been planning a marriage with another lady

    48. Rafael

      June 12th, 2019 at 2:10 am

      I met a girl about 7 months ago through a dating site and as I am old fashioned and was raised to treat women well, I paid for everything on our first date and had a great time with her. As time went on and we continued to see each other she was very polite and offered to pay for meals here and there and I had no issue with her requesting to pay, in fact I liked her more because it showed that she would most likely not be the type of person who will eventually take advantage of someone. Then one day she said she needed to go to her sons parent teacher conference in a few days and as the father has custody and lives with her son in the next state (only an hour drive) she asked me if I could download an app on my phone which allows ppl to send other ppl money pretty much immediately, and asked if I could help her pay for the car rental and a hotel since she wanted to go there the night before. I said of coarse because I really liked this girl and at that point started to care for her (even though we had not been intimate with each other and we had been hanging out for a little over three months at the time) but to me I was ok with it, I enjoy taking care of ppl I care about and honestly knowing that by providing her to go to her sons parent teacher conference and making her trip there easier because otherwise she would have had to take the train. It was fine with me. Then two weeks later I was driving her to work and she mentioned a bag she was in love with but would have to wait a couple of months to save up enough in order to get it so after dropping her off I drove to where they sold the bag and when I picked her up I surprised her with it and she was so happy. The issue started when she started to expect me to always spoil her even though we had still not officially started an actual relationship with each other and still had yet to be intimate with each other. And I started to notice that instead of asking me flat out for something she would casually bring it up in a conversation knowing that because I liked her and wanted to help her that I would then offer to help her. For example one day she mentioned she owed 6 thousand on her credit cards and as soon as I offered to pay most of it she was on top of me the very next day asking when I’d be coming over to give her the money for the bills. So eventually I told her that she expects me to treat her like my girlfriend but for the moment just wants to be friends with me and that even though I care about her I feel foolish to continue to take care of her financially while she continues to lead me on and she reacted by yelling at me that how dare I bring up being in a relationship and how she thought I was helping her just because I wanted to be nice…. even though I had made it very clear that I was attracted to her and when I asked her if she just wanted to be friends she responded that it isn’t black and white like that. What should I do? Does she like me but is taking her time or is she using me?

    49. Stefanie

      July 12th, 2019 at 7:05 pm

      Honestly, I think you should break up with this person. You’ve given too much too soon and she will never commit. In your next relationship, it might be a good idea to encourage them to set themselves up for success financially rather than you footing the bill. It’s okay to spoil your SO from time to time, but it can’t be a constant thing.

    50. Nikki

      June 25th, 2019 at 11:21 pm

      The guy I was dating long distance for a year started off with dating for marriage. Would always announce to me that he had me. I would randomly pay for things. A round trip to Vegas for his birthday, meals, a show, nice briefcase as a gift all paid by me. He sent me 1000 for my birthday. At a year he decides he would like to go dutch moving forward in response to me not feeling I should pay for any hotels when visiting him “a guy I’m dating”, when I’ve spent two round trip tickets from the west coast to east coast within a 5 week period and we are still “dating. I even covered my share for two of the three nights he was asking. His part 98.00 my part $52.00 for him his son and me. Just didn’t want to start this trend in a relationship mode in a dragged out dating. He brings up all the things he’s paid for as a reason I should comply with his request. The tit for tat types are the worst and don’t work for any stage of dating, relationships.

    51. Stefanie

      June 29th, 2019 at 1:01 pm

      Yes the tit for tat is a big sign that the relationship you have with them isn’t equal and you’re not on the same page. I’m glad you kept your financial preferences at the forefront of your heart, I assume you’ve moved on?

    52. Nikki

      June 25th, 2019 at 11:43 pm

      I think my new approach going forward always offer dutch or alternate regardless of what he says in the beginning of his intent. This will alleviate the mans motivation of what he says and what his actions say on intent somewhere down the road. The “money’ subject is a slippery slope. Two people decide on everything to work on their situation to be given a chance of success.

    53. Stefanie

      June 29th, 2019 at 12:57 pm

      Exactly. It’s all up to you and your date/partner. Another option too is to offer to pay for the first round and offer him the second. This is a great way to see which way he leans on paying for things in the relationship.

    54. Victoria

      July 20th, 2019 at 10:23 am

      I recently started dating a man that has is own business and has a decent amount of money. When we were discussing where to go on our first date, I suggested a trendy moderately priced restaurant. He turned up his nose a bit and decided on a place I would never have dreamed of. I cost a small fortune. The next date we had planned to grab coffee in between evening meetings that turned into dinner. This place was also his choosing and while not as expensive as the first place, more expensive than I would have chosen.
      For date 3 he’s been saying to me “I want YOU to take me out next. You pick the place.” I suggested somewhere I could afford and he turned up his nose.
      I’m by no means broke, and the places I’m suggesting will cost $150 for dinner with drinks. But I just can’t afford to take him where he seems to want to go. I’m also not sure why at this point (4th date … we had coffee again. I would have paid but it was crowded and he told me to get a table while he got coffee) he’s so adamant about me paying.
      Maybe I’m being paranoid because the guy in my last relationship was a serious deadbeat and there was a huge income disparity.

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